Thursday, 20 August 2015

Stubbornly Alive

I’m heading down a road, walking with the mountains on my right. The headphones are in, and the world is shut out. Work is done, liquor awaits. I’m tired, but the music is replacing my blood, carrying me forward. Inside I’m not sure if I’m singing, but I know that it’s loud.

I think back to the time at the bridge, looking down into the frigid waters, so still, so final. A part of me is still in that lake, will never leave. Would that child recognise me? A smile on my face, a ring on my hand?

Now I’ve been a wreck, cynical and ruined. Still am, but there’s that damnable grin again. Waking up is no longer an exercise in self destruction. There’s liberation. I can live. I can love. For myself? Myself? Not yet, but this is more than enough for now.

The music is filling my veins, emptying me of blood. Hollow and ringing I walk along the streets. I’ve lived my life so grudgingly. Resentful of the sun, bitter at the moon. Still am, still flawed. But this is all I am, why throw it away, when it will end so soon anyway?

I want to see your eyes mid orgasm. I want to see Venice and get arrested in Spain. I want the drugs to fill my eyes with visions of a world of dancing trees. I want to see your laugh as we fuck everything up again. I want a life of failure and misery punctuated by joy and revelation.

Now that I’m not alone. Give me the struggle. I’ll happily rail against the useless avarice of life. I’ll fight the lost causes. I’ll do the soul destroying day to day. I’ll hold back the rage and let out the sadness. And then I’ll do it again.

Let’s get drunk and cry at anime. Let’s forget to give out our real names. Let’s wander the continent of Africa. Let’s find a girl whose breasts are honeyed and breath is whiskeyed. Let’s make all of the mistakes. Let’s do all of the things. Let’s just be ridiculous.

Love is not the meaning. Life is not the meaning. But we’ve got it, so let’s not waste either. Meaning is for other people. Have them figure it out. My namesake is the agony and the ecstasy, and I want both until I can’t tell which is which.

The music has taken me over, it’s all I feel beneath my skin. It’s all I need. I never liked the colour of blood anyway. It’s carrying me in disparate directions simultaneously. It’s filling my lungs, replacing my speech with song. It’s hollowing me out, and I’m in love.